you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
