I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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