he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
