Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
