I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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