Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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