I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
