You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
