literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
