there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
