just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
