based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if only i could text you this smell
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
