You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
