i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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