In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I love you. Go after that dick
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
