First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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