I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just had sex bonerless
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
