I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think people are normalizing furries
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
