i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
