last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
4 words: hood of his car
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
