good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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