I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
