If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
