i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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