Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
