This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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