For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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