he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
