i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
