grandma shit on top of the toilet
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
