Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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