You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
