Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
