I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Four minutes until I can fart!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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