Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
