They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
