I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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