if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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