I just made out with a guy for $7.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
