I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
