I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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