Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
