Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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