I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
