just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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