i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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