Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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