I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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