my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize