I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
