i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
