Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
