he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
